Well...it's been a while. When I wrote the first handful of pages, I was really really down. Writing this helped, and getting a little feedback from my friends helped a lot too.

Mother's Day was somewhere around my last post. That was a very tough day.

Then mom's birthday was May 29th. It wasn't quite as hard as I thought it would be...I think I used up a lot of pain during Mother's Day. We got together and spent the evening together on Mom's birthday. We had dinner and played Wii, and basically just spent time together.

Amy called me later and said she was really sad that we didn't really do anything or say anything about mom or really honor her in any way. I understood, but I told her that I didn't think we were really able to do that yet. She agreed...but was still sad.

We always loved mom's birthday. She loved getting presents...she loved having cake...loved getting together with everyone. She was like a little kid on her birthday. And with the grandkids, it was just so great.

We didn't really say "I love you" a lot with my mom. It was understood, something as common and true and universal as the sun coming up tomorrow. But we always took a minute to buy mom a nice card that we'd knew would make her cry...mom cried real easy.

Which is why I'm writing tonight. Chloe's birthday was June 11th...and we still haven't celebrated it. We were going to do it around her birthday, but she ended up having Strep Throat.

My birthday was June 14th. Between me and Chloe, we always had everyone over for cake and ice cream. Since it's June, it's always a nice day. I haven't celebrated my birthday at all, told Jenny not to do anything special.

Despite all that, I've been doing okay emotionally since around Mom's birthday. But today's been kind of tough. Some work/not-work things are going on, we're in a tough spot financially, and I haven't been taking my meds very well. I also haven't been getting out much at all. Oh, and it's been raining every day this week...so I haven't been able to get out and work on getting Chloe's bday present - a swing set - up.

I've kind of been coasting along for a few days, just waiting for the dam to break. It really did today...and I blame Finn. We're on day 2 of the lastest werewolf game at TCF. I've been posting a lot over there, and Finn mentioned something about it. I mentioned a little something about things not going well with work, and that just kind of broke everything open and sent me spiralling. (i don't really blame finn)


We went to see Wall-E tonight. It was a VERY sweet movie...probably not quite as funny as I thought it was going to be, and not quite as much for the kids as I thought it was going to be. But it was a very sweet movie...at one point I thought it was actually quite beautiful.

Chloe spent a good part it in Jenny's lap, with her hands over her eyes. Chloe's been more easily scared lately, and the music in movies can kind of set her on edge. But when the movie was over and Peter Gabriel sang the closing credits, she jumped off her seat and thanked both of us for taking her to the movie saying that she really loved the movie.

That was nice. We got in the car and headed home. I had to stop for gas as I was past EMPTY. But the nearest gas station had gas at $4.49 for premium (needed for my Mazda Speed6). I decided I'd just put in $5...forgetting that that would only give me about a gallon!!

Got in the car and headed to the highway. Love my car...has a lot of get up and go. I had a cold-air intake installed, and the car throws 300 horse...and just goes. Chloe loves it too. After entering the highway I got off the gas and cruised until we got down to 80 and I set the cruise.


Then "Young Love" by the Judds came on. I love this song...the harmony is great...but the story is so sweet, just an uncomplicated look at first love.

Sitting cross legged on the hood of a ford
filing down her nails with an emory board
talking to her friends about people they knew
and all the things that young girls do.

just listening wynona judd singing about this makes me think of another time, when everything was summer.

the song describes the shyness and awkwardness and the sweetness of young love. I'm not going to make you read all the lyrics, but the ones that brought tears to my eyes were later...

well from that day on
you couldn't keep them apart
they were side by side, and heart to heart
her mama cried when billy slipped the ring on her finger
and when the baby was born, she was crying again.


oh. this was my mom. i'm sure it was everyone's mom, but this was the defining kind of thing for my mom...the closeness, the love, the joy. When we told my family were were getting married, they were so happy...and my mom cried. at my wedding, she cried.

(okay, i'll admit it here. I also cried at my wedding, choked back tears and couldn't speak my vows. I was so touched by what was happening. I remember Jenny coming down the aisle. We got married in a cute little small historical church. We guys came in with the preacher - me, my brother Jerry as best man, and my friend Larry. We had Canon in D played, and the girls walked down. Then they shut the doors at the back of the church, Jenny and her father got in line, and they opened the doors. I could have started crying right there. The doors faced the south, and when they opened the doors the sun shone in around Jenny and her Dad from behind. All I could see were them silhouetted with the sun shining around them, couldn't make out any details. It was like looking into the sun, and it was just beautiful. Jenny wore a full blusher or vail over her face, and she and her dad walked down the aisle to us. When they got to us, her dad stopped her, lifted her vail, and gave her a gentle kiss. Then he replaced the vail and put her hand in mine. Readings were First Corinthians and Ruth...I start tearing up thinking of them. A nice song. And then I had to start talking. Trying to repeat after the preacher, I started choking up right at the beginning...and barely made it thru.

That's the way we are...and it's because of our parents...both my mom and dad. When Christine got married the year after us (or was it two?), she started crying at her vows. Ian was smart and brought tissue with him to wipe her eyes as she spoke her vows.


So anyways, that's the way were are. we don't need to say the words all the time, it's as universal or automatic or unconditional as the day following the night.


But we cry. And that song really made me cry, thinking of my mom. I ask myself every day "how can she be gone"... how is it i'll never see her again or talk to her again. i know everyone goes thru this.


Then, after "Young Love"...the VERY NEXT song that came on was "Don't Take The Girl" by Tim McGraw. I had to skip the song or I would not have been able to see.


I have a wonderful wife and daughter. We got a new kitty a few weeks ago. I'm very blessed, and I have been very blessed. I'm very thankful for what I have had. But I miss my mom.


Thanks.