Well...it's been a while. When I wrote the first handful of pages, I was really really down. Writing this helped, and getting a little feedback from my friends helped a lot too.
Mother's Day was somewhere around my last post. That was a very tough day.
Then mom's birthday was May 29th. It wasn't quite as hard as I thought it would be...I think I used up a lot of pain during Mother's Day. We got together and spent the evening together on Mom's birthday. We had dinner and played Wii, and basically just spent time together.
Amy called me later and said she was really sad that we didn't really do anything or say anything about mom or really honor her in any way. I understood, but I told her that I didn't think we were really able to do that yet. She agreed...but was still sad.
We always loved mom's birthday. She loved getting presents...she loved having cake...loved getting together with everyone. She was like a little kid on her birthday. And with the grandkids, it was just so great.
We didn't really say "I love you" a lot with my mom. It was understood, something as common and true and universal as the sun coming up tomorrow. But we always took a minute to buy mom a nice card that we'd knew would make her cry...mom cried real easy.
Which is why I'm writing tonight. Chloe's birthday was June 11th...and we still haven't celebrated it. We were going to do it around her birthday, but she ended up having Strep Throat.
My birthday was June 14th. Between me and Chloe, we always had everyone over for cake and ice cream. Since it's June, it's always a nice day. I haven't celebrated my birthday at all, told Jenny not to do anything special.
Despite all that, I've been doing okay emotionally since around Mom's birthday. But today's been kind of tough. Some work/not-work things are going on, we're in a tough spot financially, and I haven't been taking my meds very well. I also haven't been getting out much at all. Oh, and it's been raining every day this week...so I haven't been able to get out and work on getting Chloe's bday present - a swing set - up.
I've kind of been coasting along for a few days, just waiting for the dam to break. It really did today...and I blame Finn. We're on day 2 of the lastest werewolf game at TCF. I've been posting a lot over there, and Finn mentioned something about it. I mentioned a little something about things not going well with work, and that just kind of broke everything open and sent me spiralling. (i don't really blame finn)
We went to see Wall-E tonight. It was a VERY sweet movie...probably not quite as funny as I thought it was going to be, and not quite as much for the kids as I thought it was going to be. But it was a very sweet movie...at one point I thought it was actually quite beautiful.
Chloe spent a good part it in Jenny's lap, with her hands over her eyes. Chloe's been more easily scared lately, and the music in movies can kind of set her on edge. But when the movie was over and Peter Gabriel sang the closing credits, she jumped off her seat and thanked both of us for taking her to the movie saying that she really loved the movie.
That was nice. We got in the car and headed home. I had to stop for gas as I was past EMPTY. But the nearest gas station had gas at $4.49 for premium (needed for my Mazda Speed6). I decided I'd just put in $5...forgetting that that would only give me about a gallon!!
Got in the car and headed to the highway. Love my car...has a lot of get up and go. I had a cold-air intake installed, and the car throws 300 horse...and just goes. Chloe loves it too. After entering the highway I got off the gas and cruised until we got down to 80 and I set the cruise.
Then "Young Love" by the Judds came on. I love this song...the harmony is great...but the story is so sweet, just an uncomplicated look at first love.
Sitting cross legged on the hood of a ford
filing down her nails with an emory board
talking to her friends about people they knew
and all the things that young girls do.
just listening wynona judd singing about this makes me think of another time, when everything was summer.
the song describes the shyness and awkwardness and the sweetness of young love. I'm not going to make you read all the lyrics, but the ones that brought tears to my eyes were later...
well from that day on
you couldn't keep them apart
they were side by side, and heart to heart
her mama cried when billy slipped the ring on her finger
and when the baby was born, she was crying again.
oh. this was my mom. i'm sure it was everyone's mom, but this was the defining kind of thing for my mom...the closeness, the love, the joy. When we told my family were were getting married, they were so happy...and my mom cried. at my wedding, she cried.
(okay, i'll admit it here. I also cried at my wedding, choked back tears and couldn't speak my vows. I was so touched by what was happening. I remember Jenny coming down the aisle. We got married in a cute little small historical church. We guys came in with the preacher - me, my brother Jerry as best man, and my friend Larry. We had Canon in D played, and the girls walked down. Then they shut the doors at the back of the church, Jenny and her father got in line, and they opened the doors. I could have started crying right there. The doors faced the south, and when they opened the doors the sun shone in around Jenny and her Dad from behind. All I could see were them silhouetted with the sun shining around them, couldn't make out any details. It was like looking into the sun, and it was just beautiful. Jenny wore a full blusher or vail over her face, and she and her dad walked down the aisle to us. When they got to us, her dad stopped her, lifted her vail, and gave her a gentle kiss. Then he replaced the vail and put her hand in mine. Readings were First Corinthians and Ruth...I start tearing up thinking of them. A nice song. And then I had to start talking. Trying to repeat after the preacher, I started choking up right at the beginning...and barely made it thru.
That's the way we are...and it's because of our parents...both my mom and dad. When Christine got married the year after us (or was it two?), she started crying at her vows. Ian was smart and brought tissue with him to wipe her eyes as she spoke her vows.
So anyways, that's the way were are. we don't need to say the words all the time, it's as universal or automatic or unconditional as the day following the night.
But we cry. And that song really made me cry, thinking of my mom. I ask myself every day "how can she be gone"... how is it i'll never see her again or talk to her again. i know everyone goes thru this.
Then, after "Young Love"...the VERY NEXT song that came on was "Don't Take The Girl" by Tim McGraw. I had to skip the song or I would not have been able to see.
I have a wonderful wife and daughter. We got a new kitty a few weeks ago. I'm very blessed, and I have been very blessed. I'm very thankful for what I have had. But I miss my mom.
Thanks.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
watching house tonight i realized something.
we're watching the season finale of house, where wilson's girlfriend amber dies. (i'm really disappointed with tonight's episode...seems to me a cheap way to tug on the emotions)
but watching it really brought sadness for jenny...thinking about how things went for her mom during her last month. Peggy had a seizure and spent a few days in the hospital. they couldn't figure out what was wrong with her, but they sent her home. she went back in a week later with diverticulitis. She developed breathing problems, the diverticulitis burst, and she started suffering multiple organ damage.
we felt that the hospital did a very bad job taking care of her, and there was a lot of bitterness. we let our doctor (who was Peg's doctor) know that we were pretty upset with the hospital care, and also upset with his care.
a few months later our doctor sat us down and talked to us. he said that, after reviewing everything, his biggest regret was that he hadn't impressed upon the family exactly how sick Peg really was.
Peggy was in end-stage kidney disease, and was no more than a few months away from needing kidney dialisys. the kidney disease factored significantly into her death. we just didn't really understand that.
as i said, we were really unhappy about the way things went with the hospital. while watching some tough scenes on House, Jenny was hit pretty hard by grief. she said the hospital scenes really brought up all the pain of the how we felt in the hospital.
i had a really bad night last night, having such vivid dreams that felt like real life. the dreams weren't sad dreams, the were dreams about the fun times we spent together. in fact, it didn't even feel like dreaming - it felt more like a vision or reliving it...everything felt so real. i also had a dream about my dad dying, and i woke up out of my dream sobbing.
with 3 deaths last year and jenny's father's death 2 years ago, there's always something that's going to come up making us think of them. it's no wonder we always feel like we're behind the eight ball.
we're watching the season finale of house, where wilson's girlfriend amber dies. (i'm really disappointed with tonight's episode...seems to me a cheap way to tug on the emotions)
but watching it really brought sadness for jenny...thinking about how things went for her mom during her last month. Peggy had a seizure and spent a few days in the hospital. they couldn't figure out what was wrong with her, but they sent her home. she went back in a week later with diverticulitis. She developed breathing problems, the diverticulitis burst, and she started suffering multiple organ damage.
we felt that the hospital did a very bad job taking care of her, and there was a lot of bitterness. we let our doctor (who was Peg's doctor) know that we were pretty upset with the hospital care, and also upset with his care.
a few months later our doctor sat us down and talked to us. he said that, after reviewing everything, his biggest regret was that he hadn't impressed upon the family exactly how sick Peg really was.
Peggy was in end-stage kidney disease, and was no more than a few months away from needing kidney dialisys. the kidney disease factored significantly into her death. we just didn't really understand that.
as i said, we were really unhappy about the way things went with the hospital. while watching some tough scenes on House, Jenny was hit pretty hard by grief. she said the hospital scenes really brought up all the pain of the how we felt in the hospital.
i had a really bad night last night, having such vivid dreams that felt like real life. the dreams weren't sad dreams, the were dreams about the fun times we spent together. in fact, it didn't even feel like dreaming - it felt more like a vision or reliving it...everything felt so real. i also had a dream about my dad dying, and i woke up out of my dream sobbing.
with 3 deaths last year and jenny's father's death 2 years ago, there's always something that's going to come up making us think of them. it's no wonder we always feel like we're behind the eight ball.
Monday, April 28, 2008
TEK*
and no...i'm not talking william shatner "novels".
I've never been overly imaginative or creative when it came to making up cool names, user names, ids, team names, whatever. My buddy Jim Graves would name his fantasy hockey team things like The GraveDiggers...other stuff like that. I think one year I used my hometown and called my team the Melvindale Sharks.
The next year I decided that was stupid and didn't come up with a name. Since I ran the league, I could just call myself The Ed King Team.
I ran a golf league. Other people came up with The Masters, or the Shankers, or ThroatWobblerMangrove. I just registered our league as The Ed King League. I guess it made an impression on some of the golf course workers...after not playing at the Links of Novi for 4 years I ran into one of the guys that worked at the course and he says...Hey...it's Ed King of The Ed King League!
So when I started playing fantasy football, again I was just The Ed King Team. The bright fellow running the league started calling my team TEKT. I thought that was kinda cool (not the eponomous-ness...just thought TEKT looked kinda cool.
So this is The Ed King Blog...TEKB.
I've never been overly imaginative or creative when it came to making up cool names, user names, ids, team names, whatever. My buddy Jim Graves would name his fantasy hockey team things like The GraveDiggers...other stuff like that. I think one year I used my hometown and called my team the Melvindale Sharks.
The next year I decided that was stupid and didn't come up with a name. Since I ran the league, I could just call myself The Ed King Team.
I ran a golf league. Other people came up with The Masters, or the Shankers, or ThroatWobblerMangrove. I just registered our league as The Ed King League. I guess it made an impression on some of the golf course workers...after not playing at the Links of Novi for 4 years I ran into one of the guys that worked at the course and he says...Hey...it's Ed King of The Ed King League!
So when I started playing fantasy football, again I was just The Ed King Team. The bright fellow running the league started calling my team TEKT. I thought that was kinda cool (not the eponomous-ness...just thought TEKT looked kinda cool.
So this is The Ed King Blog...TEKB.
Another Note On Amy
My sister is one of the most generous, loving people I know. (She's also the most crabbiest, crankiest, stubborn people I know...but this is a nice post).
I've been a self-employed software development contractor for 10 years. I've made a nice coin. I've spent most all of it and more. My wife is a school-teacher, and that's a pretty decent job in Michigan.
In September 2006 I was released from my long-term contract as the company went through a significant down-sizing. Here in the Detroit area the economy has gone in the dumper pretty badly. I thought my skillset would make it easy to land a new contract. But I was off for 9 months, and burned through all my tax money and savings.
Amy doesn't make much, her raises are in the 25 cent or 50 cent range. If her friend didn't live with her, I'm not sure that Amy could make her house payment.
Several months during my downtime my sister Amy gave me a little envelope with $300. Having little money for herself, she sacrificed for someone who should have taken better care of himself.
I've been a self-employed software development contractor for 10 years. I've made a nice coin. I've spent most all of it and more. My wife is a school-teacher, and that's a pretty decent job in Michigan.
In September 2006 I was released from my long-term contract as the company went through a significant down-sizing. Here in the Detroit area the economy has gone in the dumper pretty badly. I thought my skillset would make it easy to land a new contract. But I was off for 9 months, and burned through all my tax money and savings.
Amy doesn't make much, her raises are in the 25 cent or 50 cent range. If her friend didn't live with her, I'm not sure that Amy could make her house payment.
Several months during my downtime my sister Amy gave me a little envelope with $300. Having little money for herself, she sacrificed for someone who should have taken better care of himself.
Happy Birthday Amy.
Okay...I'll get back to the wedding weekend later...it was terribly depressing.
Today is my sister Amy's birthday - today she turns 36. I'm sure it's a very tough day today for her, basically being the closest to my mom.
Amy hasn't been as fortunate as the rest of us kids. My brother and I both left college before finishing because we got into the IT world. My sister Christine got married and moved across the river to Windsor. I got married in 95, Christine got married in 96, and Jerry got married in 98. Christine had a daughter (Mairi) in 2000, then Caileigh in 2002. We had Chloe in 04, and Jerry had his son Ethan in 05. Jerry and his wife April are now expecting their second child in August.
Amy never did well at school, so I think she only took a few college classes. She didn't luck into any good jobs like Jerry and I did. So she was at home until probably 4 or 5 years ago. She's had some medical problems - thyroid problems, bell's palsy which hasn't entirely gone away, weight issues, depression.
Amy moved out...maybe at the age of 31...buying a small house very near my parents. I know she felt embarrassed at living at home at her age, so it was very important for her to move out. Her best friend Dawn moved in with her. She started puttering around outside and put in a garden, much like my mom had at her house. They'd compare, trade, give each other garden advice.
My parents started going to a nearby church about 7-8 years ago. Amy was kind of depressed - a lot of it had to do with not being married and having kids. Of any of us kids, we've always felt that Amy would be the best with kids. She's the most considerate, caring, thoughtful of us. As we've each had kids, Amy has been GREAT Aunt Amy. She just loves taking care of the kids. Which made it so tough for her to see us all have spouses and kids.
My mom talked Amy into going to their church, sort of help Amy with the way she felt about things. Amy started going, and she really enjoyed it. As much as anything else, she really enjoyed the community. She made a lot of friends...and my mom and her actually shared a bunch of friends.
Amy lost a lot of weight over the last couple of years. She's exercising more. She'd walk over to my parents house, even in the winter. She liked a guy at church, but he kind of played a lot of games with her. But she got out there and started living. She was proud of her house, and really loved to work in the garden. She was really building up her self-esteem.
Amy was the closest with my mom. Amy called my mom probably 4-5 times a day from work, just to say hello, BS. She'd stop over my mom and dad's house probably every day. They went to church together, and did a lot of the church activities together. They went shopping together. Gardened together.
I'm sure this is Amy's sadest birthday.
Today is my sister Amy's birthday - today she turns 36. I'm sure it's a very tough day today for her, basically being the closest to my mom.
Amy hasn't been as fortunate as the rest of us kids. My brother and I both left college before finishing because we got into the IT world. My sister Christine got married and moved across the river to Windsor. I got married in 95, Christine got married in 96, and Jerry got married in 98. Christine had a daughter (Mairi) in 2000, then Caileigh in 2002. We had Chloe in 04, and Jerry had his son Ethan in 05. Jerry and his wife April are now expecting their second child in August.
Amy never did well at school, so I think she only took a few college classes. She didn't luck into any good jobs like Jerry and I did. So she was at home until probably 4 or 5 years ago. She's had some medical problems - thyroid problems, bell's palsy which hasn't entirely gone away, weight issues, depression.
Amy moved out...maybe at the age of 31...buying a small house very near my parents. I know she felt embarrassed at living at home at her age, so it was very important for her to move out. Her best friend Dawn moved in with her. She started puttering around outside and put in a garden, much like my mom had at her house. They'd compare, trade, give each other garden advice.
My parents started going to a nearby church about 7-8 years ago. Amy was kind of depressed - a lot of it had to do with not being married and having kids. Of any of us kids, we've always felt that Amy would be the best with kids. She's the most considerate, caring, thoughtful of us. As we've each had kids, Amy has been GREAT Aunt Amy. She just loves taking care of the kids. Which made it so tough for her to see us all have spouses and kids.
My mom talked Amy into going to their church, sort of help Amy with the way she felt about things. Amy started going, and she really enjoyed it. As much as anything else, she really enjoyed the community. She made a lot of friends...and my mom and her actually shared a bunch of friends.
Amy lost a lot of weight over the last couple of years. She's exercising more. She'd walk over to my parents house, even in the winter. She liked a guy at church, but he kind of played a lot of games with her. But she got out there and started living. She was proud of her house, and really loved to work in the garden. She was really building up her self-esteem.
Amy was the closest with my mom. Amy called my mom probably 4-5 times a day from work, just to say hello, BS. She'd stop over my mom and dad's house probably every day. They went to church together, and did a lot of the church activities together. They went shopping together. Gardened together.
I'm sure this is Amy's sadest birthday.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Wedding This Weekend
Today's my Mom & Dad's anniversary...but I won't get to spend any time with my dad.
We have a wedding to go to on Jenny's side of the family. Her mother's family is really close - seems like most of the Dani's and St. Julianna's migrated to a little town in Upper Michigan called Hermansville - north of Escanaba.
Peg (Jenny's mom) had a brother and a sister...and their families lived up in Escanaba. When Jenny was young, they'd take a couple two or three trips up north in the summers, and Peg's sister's and brother's family came down to Peg's house for the Thanksgiving holiday.
While up north, Jenny spent time with her extended family. Let's see...Jenny's nona (Italian for grandmother) had 7 siblings...and her nunu (sp? Italian for grandfather) had seven or eight siblings. Much of the family lived up there, so it was like a huge family reunion whenever the family would go up there. Huge family.
Jenny's sister Darcy moved up there when she turned eighteen. Some sort of mother-daughter thing. After Darcy was married for a few years she moved to Appleton, Wisconsin...near Green Bay.
So in the 13 years that we've been married, we've gone up there at least once a year. Most times we'd go sepatately from Peg & Ed - they'd stay up there for 2-3 weeks. Many times Darcy would come up to Escanaba, and some of the time we'd take an extra few days to go visit Darcy in Appleton.
Probably one of the nicest times was when we took a spur of the moment trip at Darcy's 40th birthday. Peg and Ed were going to be there, but nothing special was planned. I think we flew into Milwaukee and drove up from there on a mid-week day. We stopped in to see Darcy at her job at Fox Rivers Bank...and she was really excited to see us. She was in a bit of a bad mood, things weren't going so great at work...she'd been looking down when we walked in...and she started saying "You...." without looking up...when she looked up she said "...You're my sister!!" It was a really nice visit. oh...i can't believe she's gone.
So, this weekend is a wedding...let's see...it's Jenny's 2nd cousin, Luke. He's probably 12 years younger than Jenny...so she doesn't know Luke and his sister Danelle very well.
But this weekend is going to be hard on Jenny. It's the first family get-together in a three years that isn't a funeral. But for something like this we would most likely have driven with Peg & Ed...and we'd have really looked forward to seeing Darcy. In fact, Jenny mentioned that for about half a second she was thinking about seeing Darcy this weekend.
*sigh*.
We have a wedding to go to on Jenny's side of the family. Her mother's family is really close - seems like most of the Dani's and St. Julianna's migrated to a little town in Upper Michigan called Hermansville - north of Escanaba.
Peg (Jenny's mom) had a brother and a sister...and their families lived up in Escanaba. When Jenny was young, they'd take a couple two or three trips up north in the summers, and Peg's sister's and brother's family came down to Peg's house for the Thanksgiving holiday.
While up north, Jenny spent time with her extended family. Let's see...Jenny's nona (Italian for grandmother) had 7 siblings...and her nunu (sp? Italian for grandfather) had seven or eight siblings. Much of the family lived up there, so it was like a huge family reunion whenever the family would go up there. Huge family.
Jenny's sister Darcy moved up there when she turned eighteen. Some sort of mother-daughter thing. After Darcy was married for a few years she moved to Appleton, Wisconsin...near Green Bay.
So in the 13 years that we've been married, we've gone up there at least once a year. Most times we'd go sepatately from Peg & Ed - they'd stay up there for 2-3 weeks. Many times Darcy would come up to Escanaba, and some of the time we'd take an extra few days to go visit Darcy in Appleton.
Probably one of the nicest times was when we took a spur of the moment trip at Darcy's 40th birthday. Peg and Ed were going to be there, but nothing special was planned. I think we flew into Milwaukee and drove up from there on a mid-week day. We stopped in to see Darcy at her job at Fox Rivers Bank...and she was really excited to see us. She was in a bit of a bad mood, things weren't going so great at work...she'd been looking down when we walked in...and she started saying "You...." without looking up...when she looked up she said "...You're my sister!!" It was a really nice visit. oh...i can't believe she's gone.
So, this weekend is a wedding...let's see...it's Jenny's 2nd cousin, Luke. He's probably 12 years younger than Jenny...so she doesn't know Luke and his sister Danelle very well.
But this weekend is going to be hard on Jenny. It's the first family get-together in a three years that isn't a funeral. But for something like this we would most likely have driven with Peg & Ed...and we'd have really looked forward to seeing Darcy. In fact, Jenny mentioned that for about half a second she was thinking about seeing Darcy this weekend.
*sigh*.
Mom & Dad's Anniversary
Today's April 18th...it would have been Mom & Dad's 44th wedding anniversary.
I thought I was going to be doing okay...but I'm feeling pretty blue. We just finished a pretty fun Werewolf game over at TCF...that kinda perked my spirits for a little. But I didn't sleep well, woke up at 2:30am...and stayed up until I went into work at 6am.
Had the ipod on instead of Talk Radio...seemed like all the sad songs came on.
My family never really celebrated anniversaries very much...we'd try to be good...but that was about it.
We really celebrate birthdays, though. We're not a large family...Mom, Dad, four kids, three in-laws, and four grandkids. But we get together as a family for each person's birthday. We do dinner, cake, and gifts. Until last year, we pretty much would do "cake & ice cream" for everyone's birthday.
I think it was mostly because we could count on that time to get together. We all live within 45 miles or so of one another...but just don't get together much.
So that always makes birthdays special. Mom always liked it because she got cake.
Amy's birthday is in a few weeks, then Mom's is in May. I think these next two birthdays are going to be hard.
I miss my mom.
I thought I was going to be doing okay...but I'm feeling pretty blue. We just finished a pretty fun Werewolf game over at TCF...that kinda perked my spirits for a little. But I didn't sleep well, woke up at 2:30am...and stayed up until I went into work at 6am.
Had the ipod on instead of Talk Radio...seemed like all the sad songs came on.
My family never really celebrated anniversaries very much...we'd try to be good...but that was about it.
We really celebrate birthdays, though. We're not a large family...Mom, Dad, four kids, three in-laws, and four grandkids. But we get together as a family for each person's birthday. We do dinner, cake, and gifts. Until last year, we pretty much would do "cake & ice cream" for everyone's birthday.
I think it was mostly because we could count on that time to get together. We all live within 45 miles or so of one another...but just don't get together much.
So that always makes birthdays special. Mom always liked it because she got cake.
Amy's birthday is in a few weeks, then Mom's is in May. I think these next two birthdays are going to be hard.
I miss my mom.
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